Control Freak

Anyone who knows me, knows that I like to have things under control. I was chatting with my hairdresser yesterday (as you do) and describing how my desk is a bit like a metaphor for my life - it's either tidy, organised and everything in its place, or it is utter carnage. There is no in between.

This term seems to have been more out of control than usual and I'm not sure why. I spent probably the last month getting by on coffee and jaffas, which, while entertaining for my students at times, is not really the way ahead. So by the end of the term I was completely knackered, and I need to do something about it if I'm not to go completely loopy or have my blood pressure go through the roof (like it might have at one point there ... oops) next term.

I figure there are two variables that I need to work with; what I have under control, or don't, and what I need to have under control, or don't. So I end up with four possibilities:
  • Things I have under control and need to have under control. These things are the best! If things are in this part of the equation, then I don't need to worry. I don't think I have very many of these just at the moment. And ideally, I wouldn't want to have too many that I need to juggle either.
  • Things I don't have under control and don't need to have under control.  These ones can also be really good, because once I have worked out what they are, I can stop worrying about them. The most important thing here is to make sure that I recognise that I don't need to have control, so that I don't engage in a pointless struggle to take control of something that isn't worth using my energy on (see the next section...). I suspect that I have some of these that I haven't worked out yet, which for now is not so good, but once I sit down and work out that I can let them go, I should be able to take some of the pressure off myself.
  • Things I have under control but don't need to have under control. These are a waste of energy. I'm probably hanging onto some of these, because then at least I feel like I have something organised, but these are also things that I need to recognise as unnecessary, so that I can deal with them in the right way. It's nice to think, "o well, at least I have something under control", but that isn't actually helpful, as it distracts from the more important stuff, and the feeling of control is false. 
  • Things I don't have under control, but I need to have. These, obviously, are the worst. Often, these are the really big things, where once they have slipped, or if you never had them under control in the first place, it is really hard to sort out. These too are often the ones that I just don't want to think about, because they involve the work of getting them back in line. But, these are also the most important! 
The ideal with this would be to have just a certain few particular things that need to be under control, and then not worry about the rest. 

So this is the part where I think I will have to resort to my journal, some reflection and actual list-making. What do I even need to have under control? What can I let go? What will bother me? And what can I do to make it not bother me? Are there things that I can park, while I sort something else out? Which are the higher priorities? 

I don't think I will sort this out just in one blog post... 

The thing with all of this is, I think, that it's only when things do get a bit challenging that you actually sit back and assess things. When things are all fine, there is no need. And it's probably not a quick process where you can just make a check-list and tick things off as you go, but a longer-term reassessment that is necessary. 

Maintaining health, both physical and mental, is ongoing. It needs self-awareness and a stepping-back from routine and the everyday to simply observe. I know that I am the type of person who needs to have a clear picture of things, and I also know that not everyone is like that, but I think for everyone, knowing what to let go of is really important. 

Now I just need to work that out for me.

 #controlfreak #reasonablyfit #healthandfitness #healthgoals

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